Love, 'Lil Sis

As part of a birthday surprise prepared by my friend Marie for my 38th birthday she had secretly requested for messages from my family  which she graciously printed on a green sheet of paper turning them into precious love letters.

Of all the letters that was  handed to me the message that touched my heart the most was the one from my sister, Julie.

Reading through her message gave me a glimpse of the multiple roles I unconsciously play in my family. 

Her letter was a validation of how rewarding it is to be a daughter, a sister and an aunt - a duty I get to carry out with fervor at least once a week when I am home.

I won't say much as my 'Lil sis has already expressed it all with much love.

My family is my strength and my weakness.

Aishwarya Rai Bachachan  

  

Both within the family and without, our sisters hold up our mirrors: our images of who we are and of who we can dare to be

Elizabeth Fishel

friendship and love

This is my rational self's bid to convince my rather dejected ego to be grateful in the face of a sad truth: I have fallen in love with a friend who will never love me back!

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

  

My association with you started from being a mere acquaintance linked only and reconnected recently by no less than a social network.

By  some  twist  of  fate  I was given the chance to reunite and eventually become friends with you.

We're  no best pals and I won’t claim to know you that well but lately I have  unconsciously  developed this closeness with you. A closeness that may not mean anything to you but meant the world to me.

I'm your friend and I'm a part of your life now, no matter how diminutive that part may be.

This is why, common sense tells  me, I should be grateful - for even though you may never fall for me, I at least have you for a friend, a priceless gift from God I nearly overlooked amidst my bouts of  blues.

Out  of  a  short  lived despair I almost disregarded the joys my friendship with you has afforded me: 

The heartfelt laughter over the most silly things, the discovery filled small talks about anything & everything shared over a dinner and a cup of coffee and through exchange of text messages and during travels out of town.

Our familiarity of each other has not only qualified me to make fun of you & tease you, it has armed me with a license to care for you in my own little way. 

I can easily tell you that I wish you well and that I pray for you plus I get to know you a little more as days pass by, a privilege I may never have in the absence of friendship.

Months back I was happy and contented to share this budding friendship with you until that morning when you called.

Unexpectedly, I felt butterflies in my stomach and my heart started beating as fast and as loud as my cell phone's ringing tone.

That's when things started to change for me, that's when I started seeing you in a different light. 

Of course I know what that butterflies and that heart beat meant. What I don't know is  why and how?

I could easily blame an invisible arrow as the culprit but I know that what I felt is far real than the cherub that directed that arrow towards me, it's that unforeseen force called love. 

That night we both asked each other the same question over some silly game we played and your answer has kept me wondering all these time. 

For a moment I thought could it be?

I would be lying if I say that I have never once assumed that you might feel something for me too, that I didn't misread your sweetness, politeness & kindness as a  possibility of you liking me.

For a while I allowed myself to drown in the illusion that there is something going on between us. 

That you are closer to me because I am special. That you always tease me, which honestly hurts me most of the times, because you like me. That you communicate matters through me because it's your excuse to be in touch with me. That there are moments when we would secretly look at each other and end up catching each others eyes. That we would go out with friends so we can see each other.

The illusions made my eyes smile, made a happier person out of me and brought out the best in me.

Every one started noticing how inspired I am and how I bloomed.

You are good for me and made not only me but the people around me happy and excited.

But these are just illusions and I have hurt and fooled my self long enough!

I now leave everything in God's loving hands.

From the bottom of my enamored heart I pray for God's best for you.

I pray to our all knowing God to give you someone who will love you, take care of you and support you in all that you do.

Someone to laugh with as you share every meal and drink coffee every day, someone to hold your hands as you share long talks about the past, the present and the future, someone to create a memory with as you travel the world together. 

I may be letting go of my dream of being that someone but I am not letting you go for I wish to be your friend for as long as you will allow me.

Our friendship, no matter how new it is, is more tangible than the love that I long for and I can live with that for even as friends we can still laugh and travel together.

And I have faith that God will find a way for you to someday hold my hands even if only as a friend.

Music and Lyrics

In no particular order, my favorite lines from the songs that is currently playing over and over in my cellphone from sun up to sun down.

A playlists for someone who unknowingly has been making me smile, happy and dreamy, and has been making me hum love songs and has been inspiring me in so many ways.

Someone who's constantly in my mind and in my prayers.

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

You make me smile like the sun, fall out of bed, sing like a bird, dizzy in my head, spin like a record, crazy on a Sunday night.

You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe, shine like gold, buzz like a bee just the thought of you can drive me wild.

YOU MAKE ME SMILE - Uncle Kracker 

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

I am trying not to tell you but I want to

I'm scared of what you'll say

So i'm hiding what I'm feelin'

But I'm tired of holding this inside my head.

I THINK I'M FALLING FOR YOU - Colby Caillat

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

That crooked smile of yours it knocks me off my feet.

Oh I just can't get enough how much do I need to fill me up.

It feels so good it must be love.

YOU GOT ME - Colby Caillat

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

And I'm in love, and I am terrified

TERRIFIED - Katherine McPhee

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

Every time your eyes meet mine I light up like a neon sign.
GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER - Gerard Kenny

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
And I never wanted anything more than to know you.
And I was swept away.
SWEPT AWAY - Christopher Cross

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
Been running from this feeling for so long telling my heart I didn't need it.

Pretending I was better off alone but I know it's just a lie.
I NEED TO BE NEXT TO YOU - Leigh Nash

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
Something in your eyes makes me want to lose myself, makes me wanna lose myself in your arms.

There's something in your voice makes my heart beat fast, hope this feeling last the rest of my life.
FEELS LIKE HOME - Chantal Kreviazuk

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
I think I'm in love again, grinning that silly grin.
I THINK I'M IN LOVE AGAIN - Paul Anka

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
Try to appear like I got it together, I'm falling apart.
Save me, somebody take my hand and lead me.
Slow me down don't let life pass me by just show me how cause i'm ready to fall.
SLOW ME DOWN - Emmy Rossum

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

What started out as friendship has grown stronger, I only wish I have the strength to let it show.

I tell myself that I can't hold out forever, I say there is no reason for my fear cause I feel so secure when we're together...

I CAN'T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE - REO Speedwagon

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

Still I believe i'm missing something real, I need someone who really sees me.

Don't wanna wakeup alone anymore, still believing you'll walk through my door.....

ALL THE LOVE IN THE WORLD - The Corrs

They say that when you're in love you can relate to a song and understand its meaning once you're broken hearted. 

I guess I am both in love and broken hearted at the same time  not only because I can relate and understand all of these songs but because to you I am only a friend.

Officially Missing You

Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will.  

~Author Unknown

Missing you gives me this courage to do things i am bound to regret even with the possibility of having a couple of my "what ifs" answered.

But the fear of looking like a fool in your eyes is far greater than the temporary courage i have suddenly mustered so i'd rather bear the misery of missing you.

I Have Two Moms!

I have two moms - my biological and my step mother and this fact makes it hard for me to celebrate mother's day without feeling guilty.

To my Nanay, happy mother's day, though I chose not to speak with you all these years God knows I want to, I'm just not ready yet. I just hope that it will not be too late for me!

To my Mama, I sincerely love you and I am afraid to loose you as much as Papa. I'll take care of you the way I am taking care of papa and the way you took care of me and my siblings.

You're both in my prayers always!

Promise Yourself by Christian D. Larson

 To be so strong that nothing
  can disturb your peace of mind.
  To talk health, happiness, and prosperity
  to every person you meet.
                                                                                                                          
  To make all your friends feel
  that there is something in them.
  To look at the sunny side of everything
  and make your optimism come true.
                                                                                                                          
  To think only the best, to work only for the best,
  and to expect only the best.               
  To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others
  as you are about your own.
                                                                                                                          
  To forget the mistakes of the past
  and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
  To wear a cheerful countenance at all times
  and give every living creature you meet a smile.
                                                                                                                          
  To give so much time to the improvement of yourself
  that you have no time to criticize others.
  To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
  and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
                                                                                                                          
  To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
  not in loud words but great deeds.
  To live in faith that the whole world is on your side
  so long as you are true to the best that is in you.” 

  ― Christian D. Larson, Your Forces and How to Use Them  

my prayer

Lord, you know how much I love climbing.
You know that the mountain is my happy place.

It's that one place when I don't have to think about
my job or my family.

Please bless my next climb.
I just want to have fun.
Make it a pleasant one.

Once there help me see only the beauty
of the world around me.

Make me hear only the sound of nature and the
hearty laughter of good people that I climb with.

Amen!

Mt. Kalawitan, It’s The Climb! (2nd part)

During the early part of the climb the boys were in the mood for singing, this was after our attempt to play a game where every one has to name an athlete, supposedly, for the first round but  the game didn't even last one round because everyone was just out of breath.

Every time Adrian needed a rest he will "recite"  the line  "can we just stop and talk a while" from a Jose Mari Chan song.

This stirred the singer in Abz making him render a boy band and a Britney Spears' medley.

Not to be outdone, I sang the first few lines of Miley Cyrus' It's The Climb.

I can almost see it

That dream I am dreaming

But there's a voice inside my head saying

"You'll never reach it"

And the singing goes on for quite a while at least for the three boys while I was reduced to playing my  official theme song for this climb in my head.

And then I heard it....

Lead me Lord, lead me by the hand 

And make me face the rising sun

At first it was only Adrian then it became a trio!

You are my light
You're the lamp upon my feet
All the time my Lord
I need you there

As I listen to them finish the song I got this feeling that they weren't just singing...

Lead me, Oh Lord

Lead me Lord

(Mt. Kalawitan from a distance)

Before it was opened to the public in 2010 Mt. Kalawitan was a hunting ground for the locals. 

At present there are still traps for wild animals scattered in the area according to counsilor Bondad.

Our lead guide, Kuya Rogel even showed us an old trap situated right along the trail after the fourth resting stop. 

This was the reason why the counsilor wants everybody at the campsite by sundown.

For our own safety, it was agreed that we are to retreat back to the camp if by 12 noon we still haven't reached the summit.

Determined to make it up there we have consciously timed our  climb with every hour proclaimed by the cry of a whistle.

Kuya Rogel for his part, though allowing us enough time to rest and catch our breaths, made sure that we are right on schedule so without complaining we follow his lead every time he signals that it's time to go. 

After 5 hours of trekking through the dense and mossy forest where the sun seems to play peek-a-boo with us we finally got a  glimpse of a wide clearing.

Everybody got excited and like little children we came running and screaming out of the woods and into the clearing convince that it was the summit.

But summit it is not, it is only the dwarfed bamboo area  which could be a perfect campsite because of it's expanse.

  
The abundance of the miniature bamboos reminded me of Mt. Pulag but because of exhaustion nobody bothered to take pictures of the region.

All we did was slump and munch on the trail nuts that Pauline brought with her and assure ourselves that kuya Rogel is just teasing us when he said that it will take another 15 minutes to get to the summit.

(dwarfed bamboo area, photo taken on our way down)

Standing up was truly a struggle after that short rest and since we are way ahead of schedule I allowed myself to walk at my own pace.

Physically and mentally drained, I couldn't remember much of what happened in the next 15 minutes except for the couple of instances when I had to bend to get pass through low hanging tree branches.

Once at the summit there was no running out of excitement  that happened but I think someone let out a holler to proclaim victory in behalf of everyone.

It was drizzling when we arrived, it seems that the sea of cloud was upon us prompting kuya Rogel and Jason to start a small fire where we can warm our cold hands.

Though the weather didn't allow us a view of the other mountains nearby it didn't stop us from celebrating in the only way we know - taking our pictures.

(if mountain climbing is a pageant then we are the finalists)

(the three stooges, who's Moe, Larry and Curly?)

(an addition to my growing number of adopted bros)

(begging me to have a picture w/ them  carrying me)

After stuffing our selves with fried chicken, boiled eggs, veggies, rice and more rice the invitation for a quick nap is simply irresistible.

While some succumb to the invitation, including me, Marie wandered around to take pictures of the summit's flora & fauna.

(The Who?)

(the thickness of the moss gave the ground a carpet like feel)

(wild berries)

And then it was time for us to head back to camp.

Though the summit is not that remarkable in terms of landscape the journey going up more than compensated for it. 

As the lines from my theme song goes: Ain't about what's waiting on the other side. It's the climb!

It was loaded with amusing anecdotes of many firsts: Marie's first altitude sickness, my first mossy forest, my first time to see a century old tree, my first time to see limatics, my first time to be sucked by one, and my first time to see guys freak out because of them.

The laughter and the foolish banters I shared with these strangers whom I met only 52 hours ago kept me sane in an insane trail.

In the company of these people falling flat on your face and sliding down with your butts makes if more fun.

Yes they will laugh at you but they will pick you up once they're done laughing.

And just when you think you can no longer last the uphill battle they will sing you song of praise.

My Mt. Kalawitan quest cemented my view on climbing: the mountains and its summits will not always be magnificent and the trails will always be tough but when you are climbing with cool people, though their presence will not transform the surroundings into a wonderland nor make the track any easier, they will definitely make the journey more fun, exciting and truly memorable. 

And this blog is my small way of thanking these  nice people for adding good memories to my memory bank.

(the hut that offered refuge to adventurers of Mt. Kalawitan)

(the group with our guides before leaving)

(the century old tree)

***********

Thanks guys for the photos, took the liberty of grabbing them from your albums =)

A Day In The Life of A Dialysis Patient

This is my father and this is his life as a renal patient.

Four hours of his Mondays and Fridays are spent attached to a machine doing a job his remaining kidney could no longer perform.

Through hemodialysis the excess waste products and water is filtered out from his blood, a function his body can no longer do on its own for seven years now.

During the process two needles are inserted in his left arm where his fistula is located. A fistula is a plastic tube implanted in his arm to directly connect an artery and a vein.

 From one needle his blood will pass through the tube to the dialysis machine to remove the waste products and once the wastes are extracted the blood goes back  to his body through the other needle.

It may seem simple from the way I've explained it but in reality it is not.

The repeated process will eventually result to a distinct dark color of the skin  and a disfigured arm due to the veins that swell due to constant use.

Seeing him cringed every time he is pricked with two needles is not something I can get used to.

And what goes on in his body once the needles are in place will always be a miracle and a mystery to me.

What I know is every time he is lying there tied to that machine to help extend his life a sudden shoot up or drastic drop in his blood pressure may cost him his life.

Many times I've heard him and my mother talk about how other patients died during dialysis. 

This may be the reason why he wants to hold my hand, my mother's hand, my brother's hand or anybody who is with him or beside him during the process.

Holding our hands regardless if it's a daughter or a son is something that my father loves doing. It is one of his many sweet gestures that I look forward to when I go home. 

But during his dialysis there is something heart wrenching with the way he grasps my hand.

There are times when he just wants us to squeeze his feet as hard as we can even if he is already asleep, it's like he deliberately wants us to wake him up or maybe he just wants to avoid cramps.

Other times he will just sleep through the entire session.

And while appetite is a major issue when he is home eating during dialysis was never a problem. 

Once he tasted something and liked it, that will be his merienda or lunch for a year or more.

He started with Jollibee's TLC and Aloha, then he shifted to Brother's burger and currently pizza is his favorite merienda.

For his lunch, my brother Junjun has been regularly driving by an eatery in Timog for 4 to 5 years now  just to have a fish fillet with tausi beans or ampalaya con carne cooked for him.

Just recently, Mang Inasal has become a new favorite which he would eat together with either fish fillet or ampalaya con carne.

His moods is no different from his appetite, it changes a great deal and can really be stressful to those around him (this is another story on its own).

His sickness coupled with old age makes him unpredictable most of the times and my mother, my brother and his wife Jen should be applauded for their patience.

They take care of him everyday from sun up to sun down something I can do only during weekends.

The number of hours and the frequency of the dialysis depends per patient and for my father who is suffering from a chronic kidney disease 4 hours twice a week is required.

In the seven years that he has been spending 32 hours a month in the renal center he has become known to all the new and old nurses just like his fellow patients.

And in the once a month that I accompany my father all these years  I've seen how these nurses have become sensitive and attentive to his needs (again another story that needs to be told).

It is always touching when I hear them call my father and the other patients daddy or mommy.

They too deserve an applause for the tender loving care they extend to each and every one of them!

The heart breaking episodes I witness once in a while when I am there, like seeing a patient without any companion,  is nothing compared to what they have to face every day as they care for patients from all walks of life, young and old people alike.

The brief moment I get to devote to my father in that place makes me forget my own pain and disappointments. The complaints I have about my life seems trivial when i am there.

A short visit to the sick can work wonders they say, indeed it is, both to them and to us.

and then there were two

hahaha I now have two followers =)

Thanks to another dear friend, Path Beltran, for having pity on me and following my blog site  =)

Mt. Kalawitan, It’s The Climb! (1st part)

"The best climber in the world is the one who's having the most fun."

-- Alex Lowe

I am no climber, I am no mountaineer, I don't care much about the label I just want to climb the mountains.

But if the amount of fun is the real measure for being the best in this sport then I'd be one of the first to claim that I am among them!

I revel in the thrill, the peril, the challenge, the discomfort and every thing that goes with mountain climbing: the back breaking bag, the long walks, the steep, muddy & rocky trails, the menacing ravines, the harsh cold, the scorching sun and the feeling of triumph after going through all these.

The breathtaking landscape, the heavenly sea of clouds, the nostalgic sunset & sunrise, the warmth of a bonfire and the people you share these experiences with are not just an added bonus but a well deserved  reward.

My recent climb in Mt. Kalawitan in Sabangan, Mountain Province last January 18-20 gave me a whole new experience and rewarded me with a new set of friends.

Meet the group from right: Abs, the hunk-who-sings-while-climbing, Homer - the Mr. Nice Guy, Luke - the Piolo Pascual look alike, Pauline - the 1st timer, Jemson the organizer, Lanz - my fellow TRek volunteer, Marz, my fave travel buddy, Jerwin - the "bunso" and last but not the least Adrian, my sparring partner in the loquaciousness arena.

When we arrived at the Panorama viewdeck in Sabangan we were welcomed by  no less than the  counsilor Ernesto Bondad with a hot sinigang na bangus for lunch, a short tale about their river and a briefing before going down to the camp.

With the exception of Jemson whom we met when we climbed Mt. Pulag in 2011, and Homer & Pauline whom we met during the pre-climb, every one else was a complete stranger to Marz, Lanz and me and though we were all introduced in the bus we officially talked to each the other during our 3:30AM breakfast at the Good Taste Restaurant in Dangwa. 

The conversation and early exchange of wisecracks as we wait for the bus going to Bontoc somehow  put some of us at ease with each other therefore making the one and a half hour trek to the camp a pleasant stroll despite the heat of the sun.

After crossing a hanging bridge, a river and rice fields with picture taking once in a while we reached Apa campsite and we're greeted by the locals who were to be our guides and hosts  during our 3 days & 2 nights stay.  

(at the campsite with the boys, the men and the ladies)

(the lagoon)

Once everybody settled down after a cup or two of the deliciously brewed Kalawitan coffe, a photo-op in the lagoon and after braving the freezing water for a quick shower we started gathering around the dining table and chatted away our time while waiting for dinner to be served.

We shared a really good laugh as we recall one of Shake, Rattle & Roll's sequel and imagined ourselves being in the same scenario as Manilyn's character in a town of aswangs.

(the dining area taken from the girls room)

Slowly as darkness engulfs the camp every corner started turning golden yellow as the fire blazes around us to keep us warm.

Shortly after, the sound of the gongs started filling the air and the cultural show began and we were invited to join the merriment.

(taken by Jemson Baltazar)

(taken by Jemson Baltazar)

The wedding dance with the councilor was fun and tiring at the same time thus I kept asking when the "reception" dance will follow as I was already starving.

(the wedding dance)

Finally, we were served chicken adobo with potatoes, veggies in curry and sliced tomatoes and a big bowl of rice.

That night we had a our third meal together as a group under the stars, surrounded by the mountains in the cold of the night warmed by each others company and the bonfire all over the camp.

After dinner everybody retired early in preparation for our early ascent.

At 4:30 everyone was up, we had our breakfast at dawn and a short briefing then we're all ready to go.

Equipped with our thick jackets, trekking poles, cameras, trail foods and the resolve to make it to the summit before 12 noon we set forth the minute Haring Araw painted the sky blue.

Fifteen minutes into the trail I had to remove my jacket when my extremely active sweat glands reminded me of their existence. A couple of more minutes and Pauline is already chanting how thankful she is to her trekking pole.

(at the 1st resting stop)

While Pauline and I were trying to keep up with Abz, Jerwin and Ads who were in  their amazing race mode Marie and Lanz took their time as they take pictures of each other and their guide.

\

The three men on the other hand, Homer, Luke & Jemson, who are seasoned climbers, leisurely sauntered in the trail with their cameras.

One hour later as signified by the shriek of Abz's whistle we are out of the pine forest and about to enter the mossy forest. 

Kuya Rogel, our guide, who surely knows the forest like the back of his hands stopped to warn us of the limatics zone.

Soon enough as we moved into the woods the boys with their manly voice started whining the moment a leech clinged to their jackets and pants. 

Fretful yet alert, we were watching each others back, checking each others faces every minute and removing leeches from one another from time to time.

No doubt everybody panicked because of the limatics but to see the guys with their hunky bods shake and freak out because of these little creatures, was an amusing sight. 

It's one of those stories you'd love to share repeatedly during socials, hopefully with each other and with new friends in the next climbs to come.

Despite freaking us out the limatics did add excitement to our adventure, making us reach the second resting stop in no time as we do a short trail running.

At the second stop, the men finally caught up with what we jokingly call the top 7. 

No it was no contest but for their own amusement the boys started calling themselves the top 3 which became the top 5 to include Pauline and  me, perhaps their way of recognizing our strength for being able to to keep up with them. 

Eventually it became the top 7 to be fair to all who were "struggling" in the trail while the rest seem to be having a stroll in the park.

(the top 7 at the 2nd resting stop)

(our guides: kuya Rogel, Jason and another kuya)

The third stop was where the best view was. 

Here the Halsema Highway was visible. 

It was amazing to think that yesterday we were just in that highway gazing at the mountain from a distance today we are on the other side of the that same scene at almost the same time.

I know that someone out there is blindly staring at  the mountain where I am standing completely unaware that there are adventurous souls on the other side savoring the beauty of Sabangan.

To capture that wonderful moment we took as many pictures as we can until it's time again to resume the journey.

end of the part 1

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