Them Candles and Lamps.

The light seemed to me more beautiful. It had grown more dazzling and more attractive. I know why the moth circled the flame. 
- The Moth and the Lamp 

Like the little moth in the fable I have always been drawn to the warm glow of a candle light.

I find the candle’s flicker magical. It can turn a tiny room into an enchanting space, drowning any sound around and making me tune out as I gaze at it. 

Its golden flame inspires a certain emotion that drives me to write. It could be a poem, a sentiment over a crush, an account of a fun-filled day or just anything depending on what mood I was in.

Back in the days when I used to keep a diary, most of the entries in that little book of secrets were written in my candle lit room.

One evening I was so desperate to write about my high hopes in seeing my crush again. His face and name I could no longer recall - wiped out, perhaps, by the unfortunate event that followed.

I can remember though how unwavering my need was for a romantic feel that night but I was out of candle!

A fluorescent lit room just couldn’t supply the air of romance I find necessary for me to write. 

That night I settled for an improvised kerosene lamp or more popularly known as “gasera” made out of Chiz Whiz jar with an old cloth for a wick. 

I placed the lamp in the table beside my bed which I accidentally shoved.

What seconds ago passed as a romantic ambiance for my standard because of the golden glow produced by the lamp sans the black fumes that comes with it turned into an inferno in the blink of an eye, my bed was on fire! 

I was reminded of the moth that burned in the fable. 

A combination of quick-wits and adrenaline spared a three-door apartment from what could have been a huge fire. It also saved my ass from a lifetime of shame and regret from my stupidity. 

From Meg Ryan's character in You've Got Mail I shifted character to Lara Croft and I was able to turn the top mattress of the old king-size Salem bed my parents have given me to go with my own room without any difficulty putting off the fire instantly. 

That disastrous night was the eve of my second semester in my freshmen year in college. 

And as fate would have it, the other casualty aside from my mattress was no less than my COE.

Yes, the certificate of enrollment which I have to present to all my professors in all my classes on the first day of school was unfortunately in the same table as the “magic lamp”. 

Laughter was all i could remember of that day. Repeatedly I had to recount what happened and every time my professor would raise my burned COE for everyone to see.

But, hey, i'm not complaining for unlike the little moth, i lived to share my tale.

And now i could only laugh at this event in my funny if not dramatic life!.

Until We Meet Again.

Dearest Pa,

I know you're online 24/7 there in heaven. 

You've been watching over me ever since you got there that by now you already know my routine. You know where to find me and how to communicate with me. 

Of all the things I could possibly see in the internet, I was greeted by this video that tickled my curiosity. 

When I heard the first line of the song, I knew that moment it was you.

You miss me so much you've been frequenting my dreams. And though most of the times I'd wake up crying feeling the weight of my loss, I am always glad for the visit. 

I miss you too. 

I know you know how much I wanted to hear your voice. I have been praying and begging you to talk to me and call my name. 

Thank you for giving me more than I asked for. 

Take Her to the Moon For Me (Inspired by INSIDE OUT)
Moira feat Sam Milby

I know it's been a while since our eyes last met
Too many words left unsaid

Your head was poking out in the driver seat
Eyes full of tears I couldn't leave

No matter what I do I still feel you coming back to me 
When I know that you never will
So before I say goodbye, would you do one last thing for me 
Be happy 

And take, take her to the moon for me
Take her like you promised me
Say you love her every time like you told me the last time
Someday I know we’ll meet again
In heaven by the rainbow’s end 
And I only wish you happiness 
Until we meet again 

Wish I could stick around and fight back your tears 
Tell you “my love, I’m still here” 
Someday we’ll understand why I had to leave 
But for now I need you to set me free 

No matter where you are 
You’ll always have my heart 
No matter where you are 
I’ll love you from afar 

So be happy
Don’t be afraid to be happy

I can almost hear you singing the song. Your voice breaking as you smiled and tried not to cry. I on my part closed my eyes and surrendered to weeping. 

I listened to the song but heard only you.

Too many words left unsaid

The morning when I learned that you have already left us, my first thought was "no goodbye?". 

All your attempts to talk to me about this eventually happening came rushing back. I knew those episodes that ended even before it began, as I started to sob uncontrollably, left you helpless. And I regret not giving you the chance  to   prepare me emotionally.

Eyes full of tears I couldn't leave

For someone whom you believed to be the bravest among your children, you knew that I am also the one that you needed to prepare the most. 

You said it's inevitable. That that's where we are all headed. I refused to believe that. I was convinced that you will never leave me, that you can never leave us. You love us so much, you can never do that to us. 

I held on to that love. 

Many times I heard you say that you're already tired and weary and every time I would pleadingly ask God to give you more strength.  

I was selfish but you love me. So, you stayed for as long as you can because I  am not yet ready.

I have so much faith in your love that I have forgotten that God, who loves you more than I do, can summon you anytime to give you rest. He'd listen to me long enough, ready or not, it was time for you to go.

Looking back, had I listened to one of your attempts to bid me goodbye, will it still hurt this much?

Wish I could stick around and fight back your tears 

Tell you “my love, I’m still here” 

In my very recent dream, I was back in your wake, mourning all over again. The pain and the sorrow was as I remembered it the day I wrapped my arms around your lifeless body. 

In that dream I had to leave you. When I came back your misery was unbearable. You want to know why I left. Clasping my hands in my heart, all I could muster to say was "I am always here with you" and I started sobbing so hard that I woke up from the pain.

That night I was not only crying, I was howling until I fell back to sleep. That was my saddest dream of you by far and it haunted me. 

A friend who knew about this dream reasoned that it was actually you who said "I am always here with you", that it was your way of assuring me that despite your absence, you will always be with me, in my heart.

So be happy 

I know you want me to be happy. That's what they all say. 

But there was a time when I was afraid to even smile. I was so afraid of being happy I might forget you.

But how can I forget you when you've packed tons of  good memories in my heart.

Right now a part of me is  happy knowing that you're already free from all kinds of pain this world threw your way. That is something I failed to acknowledge a few months back, when I was too blinded with grief.

A part of me is still grieving and will always be grieving for the loss of the first true love I have ever known.

For now the very special father and daughter memories we shared will sustain me until the day when we will see each other again.

I will always remember the mornings when you would wake me up so we can have breakfast together, the evenings when you would wait for me at the corner  of our street, the late nights when you would visit my room to see if I am already sleeping, the text messages to check if I've already eaten and if i am  going home during the weekend, the calls when you would usually say "wala naman, miss lang kita". And how can I forget the banters about my being single that you so generously throw at me. 

Those are the treasures that no one can take away from me. The reminder of how lucky I was to have you for my father.  That, for now, will be enough for me to be happy. 

I may never hold your hands again,  kiss you and wrapped my arms around you but I can always talk to you and I know that you will always find a way to communicate with me.

I know that you will always love me from wherever you are and i will do the same.

Bye for now, Papa, until we meet again.

"Take Her To The Moon For Me" (inspired by INSIDE OUT)-- Moira feat. Sam...