Terrified of the surge of emotion it will bring forth, I just went past it as i schemed through my life in the last five years as documented by FB.
My bid to avoid this memory from a year ago was short lived, I gave in to my need to remember that last time when you hugged me like you never did before.
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"Abot mong kamay mo."
That was Papa's reply when I asked him what he needs during our ride home from his dialysis last December (2014).
I thought he was reaching for something at the back where I was seated.
It turned out he wants to hold my hands.
Surprised, I asked him "bakit po" as we both look at each in the mirror.
"Kanina pa kita ino-obersabahan. Kala mo di ko napapansin. May problema ka."
My ready retort was "pagod lang po tsaka antok".
And no matter how much I willed myself not to cry, there was no stopping my tears once he got hold of my hands.
Spent and wasted from his 4-hour dialysis and the 2-hour travel back home, he wanted so much to rest but he couldn't because of me.
He kept calling me in his room which I have avoided by coming up with all the excuses I can think of.
He knew me well enough and went to my room instead. There he hugged me as tightly as his frail body can.
I can still clearly remember every word he said as I sobbed in his shoulder determined not to spill my personal struggle, "Anong problema mo. Bakit ayaw mong sabihin. Nuong nagta-trabaho pa ako at may problema ako sinasabi ko sa'yo. Bakit ngayon ayaw mo magsabi sa akin. Meron ba akong dapat kausapin. Gusto mo tawagan ko?"
We went on that way for quite a while until I have convinced him that I'll be fine.
That's how much Papa loves me and my brothers and sister.
One look and he can tell if we are hurting. He feels our pain too and he will do anything to help ease that pain.
No matter what i give him, buy for him and sacrifice for him it will never be enough to surpass the kind of love he has given us.
And while he's still here with us, I will never stop from showing him, telling him & making him feel how much i value and love him.
To the number one man in my life and in my heart, happy, happy birthday.
The light seemed to me more beautiful. It had grown more dazzling and more attractive. I know why the moth circled the flame. - The Moth and the Lamp
Like the little moth in the fable I have always been drawn to the warm glow of a candle light. I find the candle’s flicker magical. It can turn a tiny room into an enchanting space, drowning any sound around and making me tune out as I gaze at it. Its golden flame inspires a certain emotion that drives me to write. It could be a poem, a sentiment over a crush, an account of a fun-filled day or just anything depending on what mood I was in. Back in the days when I used to keep a diary, most of the entries in that little book of secrets were written in my candle lit room. One evening I was so desperate to write about my high hopes in seeing my crush again. His face and name I could no longer recall - wiped out, perhaps, by the unfortunate event that followed. I can remember though how unwavering my need was for a romantic feel that night but I was out of candle!
A fluorescent lit room just couldn’t supply the air of romance I find necessary for me to write.
That night I settled for an improvised kerosene lamp or more popularly known as “gasera” made out of Chiz Whiz jar with an old cloth for a wick.
I placed the lamp in the table beside my bed which I accidentally shoved.
What seconds ago passed as a romantic ambiance for my standard because of the golden glow produced by the lamp sans the black fumes that comes with it turned into an inferno in the blink of an eye, my bed was on fire!
I was reminded of the moth that burned in the fable.
A combination of quick-wits and adrenaline spared a three-door apartment from what could have been a huge fire. It also saved my ass from a lifetime of shame and regret from my stupidity.
From Meg Ryan's character in You've Got Mail I shifted character to Lara Croft and I was able to turn the top mattress of the old king-size Salem bed my parents have given me to go with my own room without any difficulty putting off the fire instantly.
That disastrous night was the eve of my second semester in my freshmen year in college.
And as fate would have it, the other casualty aside from my mattress was no less than my COE.
Yes, the certificate of enrollment which I have to present to all my professors in all my classes on the first day of school was unfortunately in the same table as the “magic lamp”. Laughter was all i could remember of that day. Repeatedly I had to recount what happened and every time my professor would raise my burned COE for everyone to see. But, hey, i'm not complaining for unlike the little moth, i lived to share my tale. And now i could only laugh at this event in my funny if not dramatic life!.
You've been watching over me ever since you got there that by now you already know my routine. You know where to find me and how to communicate with me.
Of all the things I could possibly see in the internet, I was greeted by this video that tickled my curiosity.
When I heard the first line of the song, I knew that moment it was you.
You miss me so much you've been frequenting my dreams. And though most of the times I'd wake up crying feeling the weight of my loss, I am always glad for the visit.
I miss you too.
I know you know how much I wanted to hear your voice. I have been praying and begging you to talk to me and call my name.
Thank you for giving me more than I asked for.
Take Her to the Moon For Me (Inspired by INSIDE OUT) Moira feat Sam Milby I know it's been a while since our eyes last met Too many words left unsaid Your head was poking out in the driver seat Eyes full of tears I couldn't leave No matter what I do I still feel you coming back to me When I know that you never will So before I say goodbye, would you do one last thing for me Be happy And take, take her to the moon for me Take her like you promised me Say you love her every time like you told me the last time Someday I know we’ll meet again In heaven by the rainbow’s end And I only wish you happiness Until we meet again Wish I could stick around and fight back your tears Tell you “my love, I’m still here” Someday we’ll understand why I had to leave But for now I need you to set me free No matter where you are You’ll always have my heart No matter where you are I’ll love you from afar So be happy Don’t be afraid to be happy
I can almost hear you singing the song. Your voice breaking as you smiled and tried not to cry. I on my part closed my eyes and surrendered to weeping. I listened to the song but heard only you.
Too many words left unsaid
The morning when I learned that you have already left us, my first thought was "no goodbye?".
All your attempts to talk to me about this eventually happening came rushing back. I knew those episodes that ended even before it began, as I started to sob uncontrollably, left you helpless. And I regret not giving you the chance to prepare me emotionally.
Eyes full of tears I couldn't leave
For someone whom you believed to be the bravest among your children, you knew that I am also the one that you needed to prepare the most.
You said it's inevitable. That that's where we are all headed. I refused to believe that. I was convinced that you will never leave me, that you can never leave us. You love us so much, you can never do that to us.
I held on to that love. Many times I heard you say that you're already tired and weary and every time I would pleadingly ask God to give you more strength. I was selfish but you love me. So, you stayed for as long as you can because I am not yet ready.
I have so much faith in your love that I have forgotten that God, who loves you more than I do, can summon you anytime to give you rest. He'd listen to me long enough, ready or not, it was time for you to go. Looking back, had I listened to one of your attempts to bid me goodbye, will it still hurt this much?
Wish I could stick around and fight back your tears
Tell you “my love, I’m still here”
In my very recent dream, I was back in your wake, mourning all over again. The pain and the sorrow was as I remembered it the day I wrapped my arms around your lifeless body. In that dream I had to leave you. When I came back your misery was unbearable. You want to know why I left. Clasping my hands in my heart, all I could muster to say was "I am always here with you" and I started sobbing so hard that I woke up from the pain.
That night I was not only crying, I was howling until I fell back to sleep. That was my saddest dream of you by far and it haunted me. A friend who knew about this dream reasoned that it was actually you who said "I am always here with you", that it was your way of assuring me that despite your absence, you will always be with me, in my heart. So be happy I know you want me to be happy. That's what they all say. But there was a time when I was afraid to even smile. I was so afraid of being happy I might forget you. But how can I forget you when you've packed tons of good memories in my heart. Right now a part of me is happy knowing that you're already free from all kinds of pain this world threw your way. That is something I failed to acknowledge a few months back, when I was too blinded with grief. A part of me is still grieving and will always be grieving for the loss of the first true love I have ever known. For now the very special father and daughter memories we shared will sustain me until the day when we will see each other again.
I will always remember the mornings when you would wake me up so we can have breakfast together, the evenings when you would wait for me at the corner of our street, the late nights when you would visit my room to see if I am already sleeping, the text messages to check if I've already eaten and if i am going home during the weekend, the calls when you would usually say "wala naman, miss lang kita". And how can I forget the banters about my being single that you so generously throw at me.
Those are the treasures that no one can take away from me. The reminder of how lucky I was to have you for my father. That, for now, will be enough for me to be happy. I may never hold your hands again, kiss you and wrapped my arms around you but I can always talk to you and I know that you will always find a way to communicate with me. I know that you will always love me from wherever you are and i will do the same. Bye for now, Papa, until we meet again.
"Take Her To The Moon For Me" (inspired by INSIDE OUT)-- Moira feat. Sam...
Having missed writing, I revisited my blog site and realized that I did not post a single entry for 2014. As I was going over my drafts I saw plenty of entries that I have started but was not inspired enough to finish. For the sake of having something to post for 2014, I decided to have a throwback blog.
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Like a celebrity, all eyes were on me as I celebrated my 38th birthday in a surprise dinner and gathering of my office, college and mountain climbing friends last August 16, 2013 at IHOP, BGC.
That evening the real star for me was no other than my good friend Marie Luciano.
She pulled off one of the happiest celebration of my birthday thus far by secretly and patiently coordinating with four different groups of people that plays the most important part in my life.
She cared so much for my happiness that she braved her fear of a possible catastrophe in gathering people with varied characters in one room in one night just to make that night truly unforgettable.
My birthday is definitely my favorite time of the year!
As part of a birthday surprise prepared by my friend Marie for my 38th birthday she had secretly requested for messages from my family which she graciously printed on a green sheet of paper turning them into precious love letters.
Of all the letters that was handed to me the message that touched my heart the most was the one from my sister, Julie.
Reading through her message gave me a glimpse of the multiple roles I unconsciously play in my family.
Her letter was a validation of how rewarding it is to be a daughter, a sister and an aunt - a duty I get to carry out with fervor at least once a week when I am home. I won't say much as my 'Lil sis has already expressed it all with much love.
My family is my strength and my weakness.
Aishwarya Rai Bachachan
Both within the family and without, our sisters hold up our mirrors: our images of who we are and of who we can dare to be
