Terrified of the surge of emotion it will bring forth, I just went past it as i schemed through my life in the last five years as documented by FB.
My bid to avoid this memory from a year ago was short lived, I gave in to my need to remember that last time when you hugged me like you never did before.
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That was Papa's reply when I asked him what he needs during our ride home from his dialysis last December (2014).
I thought he was reaching for something at the back where I was seated.
It turned out he wants to hold my hands.
Surprised, I asked him "bakit po" as we both look at each in the mirror.
"Kanina pa kita ino-obersabahan. Kala mo di ko napapansin. May problema ka."
My ready retort was "pagod lang po tsaka antok".
And no matter how much I willed myself not to cry, there was no stopping my tears once he got hold of my hands.
Spent and wasted from his 4-hour dialysis and the 2-hour travel back home, he wanted so much to rest but he couldn't because of me.
He kept calling me in his room which I have avoided by coming up with all the excuses I can think of.
He knew me well enough and went to my room instead. There he hugged me as tightly as his frail body can.
I can still clearly remember every word he said as I sobbed in his shoulder determined not to spill my personal struggle, "Anong problema mo. Bakit ayaw mong sabihin. Nuong nagta-trabaho pa ako at may problema ako sinasabi ko sa'yo. Bakit ngayon ayaw mo magsabi sa akin. Meron ba akong dapat kausapin. Gusto mo tawagan ko?"
We went on that way for quite a while until I have convinced him that I'll be fine.
That's how much Papa loves me and my brothers and sister.
One look and he can tell if we are hurting. He feels our pain too and he will do anything to help ease that pain.
No matter what i give him, buy for him and sacrifice for him it will never be enough to surpass the kind of love he has given us.
And while he's still here with us, I will never stop from showing him, telling him & making him feel how much i value and love him.
To the number one man in my life and in my heart, happy, happy birthday.
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Missing you always, Paps.
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