Thursday, April 7, 2016

Memories...

This appeared in my FB memories last April 1.

Terrified of the surge of emotion it will bring forth, I just went past it as i schemed through my life in the last five years as documented by FB.

My bid to avoid this memory from a year ago was short lived, I  gave in to my need  to remember that last time when you hugged me like you never did before.

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"Abot mong kamay mo."

That was Papa's reply when I asked him what he needs during our ride home from his dialysis last December (2014).

I thought he was reaching for something at the back where I was seated.

It turned out he wants to hold my hands.

Surprised, I asked him "bakit po" as we both look at each in the mirror.

"Kanina pa kita ino-obersabahan. Kala mo di ko napapansin. May problema ka."

My ready retort was "pagod lang po tsaka antok".

And no matter how much I willed myself not to cry, there was no stopping my tears once he got hold of my hands.

Spent and wasted from his 4-hour dialysis and the 2-hour travel back home, he wanted so much to rest but he couldn't because of me.

He kept calling me in his room which I have avoided by coming up with all the excuses I can think of.

He knew me well enough and went to my room instead. There he hugged me as tightly as his frail body can.

I can still clearly remember every word he said as I sobbed in his shoulder determined not to spill my personal struggle, "Anong problema mo. Bakit ayaw mong sabihin. Nuong nagta-trabaho pa ako at may problema ako sinasabi ko sa'yo. Bakit ngayon ayaw mo magsabi sa akin. Meron ba akong dapat kausapin. Gusto mo tawagan ko?"

We went on that way for quite a while until I have convinced him that I'll be fine.

That's how much Papa loves me and my brothers and sister.

One look and he can tell if we are hurting. He feels our pain too and he will do anything to help ease that pain.

No matter what i give him, buy for him and sacrifice for him it will never be enough  to surpass the kind of love he has given us.

And while he's still here with us, I will never stop from showing him, telling him & making him feel how much i value and love him.

To the number one man in my life and in my heart, happy, happy birthday.

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Missing you always, Paps.

Monday, February 22, 2016

Wake Up, You'll Be Alright!


Papa woke me up this morning.

In my dream, i was sleeping in what seemed like a garden where from afar there is a silhouette of a two perfectly shaped mountain.

Between them the sun slowly appeared, very much like the way i drew them in my childhood.

Standing beside me, Papa was lovingly watching me as the sunshine slowly kissed me.

Leisurely, i opened my eyes to find the dorm flooded with sunlight, the room was quiet and my roomate has already left.

For a change i was not crying.

Today, I started my day with a smile in my heart. Thankful for the early morning visit from the one who truly loves me

That dream was an echo of my visit to him yesterday morning at the Hardin where from afar you can see Mt. Balagbag and another mountain.

Yesterday, it was me who was lovingly staring at his picture in his grave as i talk to him in my mind and in my heart.

Today, it was papa's turn speak to my heart. He whispered "you'll be alright".

And for the first time in months i really felt and believed that i will be alright!

Missing you always, Pa.