Memories...

This appeared in my FB memories last April 1.

Terrified of the surge of emotion it will bring forth, I just went past it as i schemed through my life in the last five years as documented by FB.

My bid to avoid this memory from a year ago was short lived, I  gave in to my need  to remember that last time when you hugged me like you never did before.

********************

"Abot mong kamay mo."

That was Papa's reply when I asked him what he needs during our ride home from his dialysis last December (2014).

I thought he was reaching for something at the back where I was seated.

It turned out he wants to hold my hands.

Surprised, I asked him "bakit po" as we both look at each in the mirror.

"Kanina pa kita ino-obersabahan. Kala mo di ko napapansin. May problema ka."

My ready retort was "pagod lang po tsaka antok".

And no matter how much I willed myself not to cry, there was no stopping my tears once he got hold of my hands.

Spent and wasted from his 4-hour dialysis and the 2-hour travel back home, he wanted so much to rest but he couldn't because of me.

He kept calling me in his room which I have avoided by coming up with all the excuses I can think of.

He knew me well enough and went to my room instead. There he hugged me as tightly as his frail body can.

I can still clearly remember every word he said as I sobbed in his shoulder determined not to spill my personal struggle, "Anong problema mo. Bakit ayaw mong sabihin. Nuong nagta-trabaho pa ako at may problema ako sinasabi ko sa'yo. Bakit ngayon ayaw mo magsabi sa akin. Meron ba akong dapat kausapin. Gusto mo tawagan ko?"

We went on that way for quite a while until I have convinced him that I'll be fine.

That's how much Papa loves me and my brothers and sister.

One look and he can tell if we are hurting. He feels our pain too and he will do anything to help ease that pain.

No matter what i give him, buy for him and sacrifice for him it will never be enough  to surpass the kind of love he has given us.

And while he's still here with us, I will never stop from showing him, telling him & making him feel how much i value and love him.

To the number one man in my life and in my heart, happy, happy birthday.

********************

Missing you always, Paps.

Wake Up, You'll Be Alright!

Papa woke me up this morning.

In my dream, i was sleeping in what seemed like a garden where from afar there is a silhouette of a two perfectly shaped mountain.

Between them the sun slowly appeared, very much like the way i drew them in my childhood.

Standing beside me, Papa was lovingly watching me as the sunshine slowly kissed me.

Leisurely, i opened my eyes to find the dorm flooded with sunlight, the room was quiet and my roomate has already left.

For a change i was not crying.

Today, I started my day with a smile in my heart. Thankful for the early morning visit from the one who truly loves me

That dream was an echo of my visit to him yesterday morning at the Hardin where from afar you can see Mt. Balagbag and another mountain.

Yesterday, it was me who was lovingly staring at his picture in his grave as i talk to him in my mind and in my heart.

Today, it was papa's turn speak to my heart. He whispered "you'll be alright".

And for the first time in months i really felt and believed that i will be alright!

Missing you always, Pa.

It's already dark but i couldn't leave him yet.

It brings me back to the times when I developed a separation anxiety after papa's kidney transplant.

Going back to Manila was always a struggle, i hate leaving him.

Them Candles and Lamps.

The light seemed to me more beautiful. It had grown more dazzling and more attractive. I know why the moth circled the flame. 
- The Moth and the Lamp 

Like the little moth in the fable I have always been drawn to the warm glow of a candle light.

I find the candle’s flicker magical. It can turn a tiny room into an enchanting space, drowning any sound around and making me tune out as I gaze at it. 

Its golden flame inspires a certain emotion that drives me to write. It could be a poem, a sentiment over a crush, an account of a fun-filled day or just anything depending on what mood I was in.

Back in the days when I used to keep a diary, most of the entries in that little book of secrets were written in my candle lit room.

One evening I was so desperate to write about my high hopes in seeing my crush again. His face and name I could no longer recall - wiped out, perhaps, by the unfortunate event that followed.

I can remember though how unwavering my need was for a romantic feel that night but I was out of candle!

A fluorescent lit room just couldn’t supply the air of romance I find necessary for me to write. 

That night I settled for an improvised kerosene lamp or more popularly known as “gasera” made out of Chiz Whiz jar with an old cloth for a wick. 

I placed the lamp in the table beside my bed which I accidentally shoved.

What seconds ago passed as a romantic ambiance for my standard because of the golden glow produced by the lamp sans the black fumes that comes with it turned into an inferno in the blink of an eye, my bed was on fire! 

I was reminded of the moth that burned in the fable. 

A combination of quick-wits and adrenaline spared a three-door apartment from what could have been a huge fire. It also saved my ass from a lifetime of shame and regret from my stupidity. 

From Meg Ryan's character in You've Got Mail I shifted character to Lara Croft and I was able to turn the top mattress of the old king-size Salem bed my parents have given me to go with my own room without any difficulty putting off the fire instantly. 

That disastrous night was the eve of my second semester in my freshmen year in college. 

And as fate would have it, the other casualty aside from my mattress was no less than my COE.

Yes, the certificate of enrollment which I have to present to all my professors in all my classes on the first day of school was unfortunately in the same table as the “magic lamp”. 

Laughter was all i could remember of that day. Repeatedly I had to recount what happened and every time my professor would raise my burned COE for everyone to see.

But, hey, i'm not complaining for unlike the little moth, i lived to share my tale.

And now i could only laugh at this event in my funny if not dramatic life!.

Until We Meet Again.

Dearest Pa,

I know you're online 24/7 there in heaven. 

You've been watching over me ever since you got there that by now you already know my routine. You know where to find me and how to communicate with me. 

Of all the things I could possibly see in the internet, I was greeted by this video that tickled my curiosity. 

When I heard the first line of the song, I knew that moment it was you.

You miss me so much you've been frequenting my dreams. And though most of the times I'd wake up crying feeling the weight of my loss, I am always glad for the visit. 

I miss you too. 

I know you know how much I wanted to hear your voice. I have been praying and begging you to talk to me and call my name. 

Thank you for giving me more than I asked for. 

Take Her to the Moon For Me (Inspired by INSIDE OUT)
Moira feat Sam Milby

I know it's been a while since our eyes last met
Too many words left unsaid

Your head was poking out in the driver seat
Eyes full of tears I couldn't leave

No matter what I do I still feel you coming back to me 
When I know that you never will
So before I say goodbye, would you do one last thing for me 
Be happy 

And take, take her to the moon for me
Take her like you promised me
Say you love her every time like you told me the last time
Someday I know we’ll meet again
In heaven by the rainbow’s end 
And I only wish you happiness 
Until we meet again 

Wish I could stick around and fight back your tears 
Tell you “my love, I’m still here” 
Someday we’ll understand why I had to leave 
But for now I need you to set me free 

No matter where you are 
You’ll always have my heart 
No matter where you are 
I’ll love you from afar 

So be happy
Don’t be afraid to be happy

I can almost hear you singing the song. Your voice breaking as you smiled and tried not to cry. I on my part closed my eyes and surrendered to weeping. 

I listened to the song but heard only you.

Too many words left unsaid

The morning when I learned that you have already left us, my first thought was "no goodbye?". 

All your attempts to talk to me about this eventually happening came rushing back. I knew those episodes that ended even before it began, as I started to sob uncontrollably, left you helpless. And I regret not giving you the chance  to   prepare me emotionally.

Eyes full of tears I couldn't leave

For someone whom you believed to be the bravest among your children, you knew that I am also the one that you needed to prepare the most. 

You said it's inevitable. That that's where we are all headed. I refused to believe that. I was convinced that you will never leave me, that you can never leave us. You love us so much, you can never do that to us. 

I held on to that love. 

Many times I heard you say that you're already tired and weary and every time I would pleadingly ask God to give you more strength.  

I was selfish but you love me. So, you stayed for as long as you can because I  am not yet ready.

I have so much faith in your love that I have forgotten that God, who loves you more than I do, can summon you anytime to give you rest. He'd listen to me long enough, ready or not, it was time for you to go.

Looking back, had I listened to one of your attempts to bid me goodbye, will it still hurt this much?

Wish I could stick around and fight back your tears 

Tell you “my love, I’m still here” 

In my very recent dream, I was back in your wake, mourning all over again. The pain and the sorrow was as I remembered it the day I wrapped my arms around your lifeless body. 

In that dream I had to leave you. When I came back your misery was unbearable. You want to know why I left. Clasping my hands in my heart, all I could muster to say was "I am always here with you" and I started sobbing so hard that I woke up from the pain.

That night I was not only crying, I was howling until I fell back to sleep. That was my saddest dream of you by far and it haunted me. 

A friend who knew about this dream reasoned that it was actually you who said "I am always here with you", that it was your way of assuring me that despite your absence, you will always be with me, in my heart.

So be happy 

I know you want me to be happy. That's what they all say. 

But there was a time when I was afraid to even smile. I was so afraid of being happy I might forget you.

But how can I forget you when you've packed tons of  good memories in my heart.

Right now a part of me is  happy knowing that you're already free from all kinds of pain this world threw your way. That is something I failed to acknowledge a few months back, when I was too blinded with grief.

A part of me is still grieving and will always be grieving for the loss of the first true love I have ever known.

For now the very special father and daughter memories we shared will sustain me until the day when we will see each other again.

I will always remember the mornings when you would wake me up so we can have breakfast together, the evenings when you would wait for me at the corner  of our street, the late nights when you would visit my room to see if I am already sleeping, the text messages to check if I've already eaten and if i am  going home during the weekend, the calls when you would usually say "wala naman, miss lang kita". And how can I forget the banters about my being single that you so generously throw at me. 

Those are the treasures that no one can take away from me. The reminder of how lucky I was to have you for my father.  That, for now, will be enough for me to be happy. 

I may never hold your hands again,  kiss you and wrapped my arms around you but I can always talk to you and I know that you will always find a way to communicate with me.

I know that you will always love me from wherever you are and i will do the same.

Bye for now, Papa, until we meet again.

"Take Her To The Moon For Me" (inspired by INSIDE OUT)-- Moira feat. Sam...

A Birthday and A Throwback!

Having missed writing, I revisited my blog site and  realized that I did not post a single entry for 2014.

As I was going over my drafts I saw plenty of entries that I have started but was not inspired enough to finish.

For the sake of having something to post for 2014, I decided to have a throwback blog.

********

Like a celebrity, all eyes were on me as I celebrated my 38th birthday in a surprise dinner and gathering of my office, college and mountain climbing friends last August 16, 2013 at IHOP, BGC. 

That evening the real star for me was no other than my good friend Marie Luciano. 

She pulled off one of the happiest celebration of my birthday thus far by secretly and patiently coordinating with four different groups of people that plays the most important part in my life.

She cared so much for my happiness that she braved her fear of a possible catastrophe in gathering people with varied characters in one room in one night  just to make that night truly unforgettable.

My birthday is definitely my favorite time of the year!

Love, 'Lil Sis

As part of a birthday surprise prepared by my friend Marie for my 38th birthday she had secretly requested for messages from my family  which she graciously printed on a green sheet of paper turning them into precious love letters.

Of all the letters that was  handed to me the message that touched my heart the most was the one from my sister, Julie.

Reading through her message gave me a glimpse of the multiple roles I unconsciously play in my family. 

Her letter was a validation of how rewarding it is to be a daughter, a sister and an aunt - a duty I get to carry out with fervor at least once a week when I am home.

I won't say much as my 'Lil sis has already expressed it all with much love.

My family is my strength and my weakness.

Aishwarya Rai Bachachan  

  

Both within the family and without, our sisters hold up our mirrors: our images of who we are and of who we can dare to be

Elizabeth Fishel

friendship and love

This is my rational self's bid to convince my rather dejected ego to be grateful in the face of a sad truth: I have fallen in love with a friend who will never love me back!

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

  

My association with you started from being a mere acquaintance linked only and reconnected recently by no less than a social network.

By  some  twist  of  fate  I was given the chance to reunite and eventually become friends with you.

We're  no best pals and I won’t claim to know you that well but lately I have  unconsciously  developed this closeness with you. A closeness that may not mean anything to you but meant the world to me.

I'm your friend and I'm a part of your life now, no matter how diminutive that part may be.

This is why, common sense tells  me, I should be grateful - for even though you may never fall for me, I at least have you for a friend, a priceless gift from God I nearly overlooked amidst my bouts of  blues.

Out  of  a  short  lived despair I almost disregarded the joys my friendship with you has afforded me: 

The heartfelt laughter over the most silly things, the discovery filled small talks about anything & everything shared over a dinner and a cup of coffee and through exchange of text messages and during travels out of town.

Our familiarity of each other has not only qualified me to make fun of you & tease you, it has armed me with a license to care for you in my own little way. 

I can easily tell you that I wish you well and that I pray for you plus I get to know you a little more as days pass by, a privilege I may never have in the absence of friendship.

Months back I was happy and contented to share this budding friendship with you until that morning when you called.

Unexpectedly, I felt butterflies in my stomach and my heart started beating as fast and as loud as my cell phone's ringing tone.

That's when things started to change for me, that's when I started seeing you in a different light. 

Of course I know what that butterflies and that heart beat meant. What I don't know is  why and how?

I could easily blame an invisible arrow as the culprit but I know that what I felt is far real than the cherub that directed that arrow towards me, it's that unforeseen force called love. 

That night we both asked each other the same question over some silly game we played and your answer has kept me wondering all these time. 

For a moment I thought could it be?

I would be lying if I say that I have never once assumed that you might feel something for me too, that I didn't misread your sweetness, politeness & kindness as a  possibility of you liking me.

For a while I allowed myself to drown in the illusion that there is something going on between us. 

That you are closer to me because I am special. That you always tease me, which honestly hurts me most of the times, because you like me. That you communicate matters through me because it's your excuse to be in touch with me. That there are moments when we would secretly look at each other and end up catching each others eyes. That we would go out with friends so we can see each other.

The illusions made my eyes smile, made a happier person out of me and brought out the best in me.

Every one started noticing how inspired I am and how I bloomed.

You are good for me and made not only me but the people around me happy and excited.

But these are just illusions and I have hurt and fooled my self long enough!

I now leave everything in God's loving hands.

From the bottom of my enamored heart I pray for God's best for you.

I pray to our all knowing God to give you someone who will love you, take care of you and support you in all that you do.

Someone to laugh with as you share every meal and drink coffee every day, someone to hold your hands as you share long talks about the past, the present and the future, someone to create a memory with as you travel the world together. 

I may be letting go of my dream of being that someone but I am not letting you go for I wish to be your friend for as long as you will allow me.

Our friendship, no matter how new it is, is more tangible than the love that I long for and I can live with that for even as friends we can still laugh and travel together.

And I have faith that God will find a way for you to someday hold my hands even if only as a friend.

Music and Lyrics

In no particular order, my favorite lines from the songs that is currently playing over and over in my cellphone from sun up to sun down.

A playlists for someone who unknowingly has been making me smile, happy and dreamy, and has been making me hum love songs and has been inspiring me in so many ways.

Someone who's constantly in my mind and in my prayers.

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

You make me smile like the sun, fall out of bed, sing like a bird, dizzy in my head, spin like a record, crazy on a Sunday night.

You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe, shine like gold, buzz like a bee just the thought of you can drive me wild.

YOU MAKE ME SMILE - Uncle Kracker 

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

I am trying not to tell you but I want to

I'm scared of what you'll say

So i'm hiding what I'm feelin'

But I'm tired of holding this inside my head.

I THINK I'M FALLING FOR YOU - Colby Caillat

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

That crooked smile of yours it knocks me off my feet.

Oh I just can't get enough how much do I need to fill me up.

It feels so good it must be love.

YOU GOT ME - Colby Caillat

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

And I'm in love, and I am terrified

TERRIFIED - Katherine McPhee

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

Every time your eyes meet mine I light up like a neon sign.
GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER - Gerard Kenny

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
And I never wanted anything more than to know you.
And I was swept away.
SWEPT AWAY - Christopher Cross

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
Been running from this feeling for so long telling my heart I didn't need it.

Pretending I was better off alone but I know it's just a lie.
I NEED TO BE NEXT TO YOU - Leigh Nash

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
Something in your eyes makes me want to lose myself, makes me wanna lose myself in your arms.

There's something in your voice makes my heart beat fast, hope this feeling last the rest of my life.
FEELS LIKE HOME - Chantal Kreviazuk

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
I think I'm in love again, grinning that silly grin.
I THINK I'M IN LOVE AGAIN - Paul Anka

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
Try to appear like I got it together, I'm falling apart.
Save me, somebody take my hand and lead me.
Slow me down don't let life pass me by just show me how cause i'm ready to fall.
SLOW ME DOWN - Emmy Rossum

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

What started out as friendship has grown stronger, I only wish I have the strength to let it show.

I tell myself that I can't hold out forever, I say there is no reason for my fear cause I feel so secure when we're together...

I CAN'T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE - REO Speedwagon

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

Still I believe i'm missing something real, I need someone who really sees me.

Don't wanna wakeup alone anymore, still believing you'll walk through my door.....

ALL THE LOVE IN THE WORLD - The Corrs

They say that when you're in love you can relate to a song and understand its meaning once you're broken hearted. 

I guess I am both in love and broken hearted at the same time  not only because I can relate and understand all of these songs but because to you I am only a friend.

Officially Missing You

Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will.  

~Author Unknown

Missing you gives me this courage to do things i am bound to regret even with the possibility of having a couple of my "what ifs" answered.

But the fear of looking like a fool in your eyes is far greater than the temporary courage i have suddenly mustered so i'd rather bear the misery of missing you.

I Have Two Moms!

I have two moms - my biological and my step mother and this fact makes it hard for me to celebrate mother's day without feeling guilty.

To my Nanay, happy mother's day, though I chose not to speak with you all these years God knows I want to, I'm just not ready yet. I just hope that it will not be too late for me!

To my Mama, I sincerely love you and I am afraid to loose you as much as Papa. I'll take care of you the way I am taking care of papa and the way you took care of me and my siblings.

You're both in my prayers always!

Promise Yourself by Christian D. Larson

 To be so strong that nothing
  can disturb your peace of mind.
  To talk health, happiness, and prosperity
  to every person you meet.
                                                                                                                          
  To make all your friends feel
  that there is something in them.
  To look at the sunny side of everything
  and make your optimism come true.
                                                                                                                          
  To think only the best, to work only for the best,
  and to expect only the best.               
  To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others
  as you are about your own.
                                                                                                                          
  To forget the mistakes of the past
  and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
  To wear a cheerful countenance at all times
  and give every living creature you meet a smile.
                                                                                                                          
  To give so much time to the improvement of yourself
  that you have no time to criticize others.
  To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
  and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
                                                                                                                          
  To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
  not in loud words but great deeds.
  To live in faith that the whole world is on your side
  so long as you are true to the best that is in you.” 

  ― Christian D. Larson, Your Forces and How to Use Them  

my prayer

Lord, you know how much I love climbing.
You know that the mountain is my happy place.

It's that one place when I don't have to think about
my job or my family.

Please bless my next climb.
I just want to have fun.
Make it a pleasant one.

Once there help me see only the beauty
of the world around me.

Make me hear only the sound of nature and the
hearty laughter of good people that I climb with.

Amen!

Mt. Kalawitan, It’s The Climb! (2nd part)

During the early part of the climb the boys were in the mood for singing, this was after our attempt to play a game where every one has to name an athlete, supposedly, for the first round but  the game didn't even last one round because everyone was just out of breath.

Every time Adrian needed a rest he will "recite"  the line  "can we just stop and talk a while" from a Jose Mari Chan song.

This stirred the singer in Abz making him render a boy band and a Britney Spears' medley.

Not to be outdone, I sang the first few lines of Miley Cyrus' It's The Climb.

I can almost see it

That dream I am dreaming

But there's a voice inside my head saying

"You'll never reach it"

And the singing goes on for quite a while at least for the three boys while I was reduced to playing my  official theme song for this climb in my head.

And then I heard it....

Lead me Lord, lead me by the hand 

And make me face the rising sun

At first it was only Adrian then it became a trio!

You are my light
You're the lamp upon my feet
All the time my Lord
I need you there

As I listen to them finish the song I got this feeling that they weren't just singing...

Lead me, Oh Lord

Lead me Lord

(Mt. Kalawitan from a distance)

Before it was opened to the public in 2010 Mt. Kalawitan was a hunting ground for the locals. 

At present there are still traps for wild animals scattered in the area according to counsilor Bondad.

Our lead guide, Kuya Rogel even showed us an old trap situated right along the trail after the fourth resting stop. 

This was the reason why the counsilor wants everybody at the campsite by sundown.

For our own safety, it was agreed that we are to retreat back to the camp if by 12 noon we still haven't reached the summit.

Determined to make it up there we have consciously timed our  climb with every hour proclaimed by the cry of a whistle.

Kuya Rogel for his part, though allowing us enough time to rest and catch our breaths, made sure that we are right on schedule so without complaining we follow his lead every time he signals that it's time to go. 

After 5 hours of trekking through the dense and mossy forest where the sun seems to play peek-a-boo with us we finally got a  glimpse of a wide clearing.

Everybody got excited and like little children we came running and screaming out of the woods and into the clearing convince that it was the summit.

But summit it is not, it is only the dwarfed bamboo area  which could be a perfect campsite because of it's expanse.

  
The abundance of the miniature bamboos reminded me of Mt. Pulag but because of exhaustion nobody bothered to take pictures of the region.

All we did was slump and munch on the trail nuts that Pauline brought with her and assure ourselves that kuya Rogel is just teasing us when he said that it will take another 15 minutes to get to the summit.

(dwarfed bamboo area, photo taken on our way down)

Standing up was truly a struggle after that short rest and since we are way ahead of schedule I allowed myself to walk at my own pace.

Physically and mentally drained, I couldn't remember much of what happened in the next 15 minutes except for the couple of instances when I had to bend to get pass through low hanging tree branches.

Once at the summit there was no running out of excitement  that happened but I think someone let out a holler to proclaim victory in behalf of everyone.

It was drizzling when we arrived, it seems that the sea of cloud was upon us prompting kuya Rogel and Jason to start a small fire where we can warm our cold hands.

Though the weather didn't allow us a view of the other mountains nearby it didn't stop us from celebrating in the only way we know - taking our pictures.

(if mountain climbing is a pageant then we are the finalists)

(the three stooges, who's Moe, Larry and Curly?)

(an addition to my growing number of adopted bros)

(begging me to have a picture w/ them  carrying me)

After stuffing our selves with fried chicken, boiled eggs, veggies, rice and more rice the invitation for a quick nap is simply irresistible.

While some succumb to the invitation, including me, Marie wandered around to take pictures of the summit's flora & fauna.

(The Who?)

(the thickness of the moss gave the ground a carpet like feel)

(wild berries)

And then it was time for us to head back to camp.

Though the summit is not that remarkable in terms of landscape the journey going up more than compensated for it. 

As the lines from my theme song goes: Ain't about what's waiting on the other side. It's the climb!

It was loaded with amusing anecdotes of many firsts: Marie's first altitude sickness, my first mossy forest, my first time to see a century old tree, my first time to see limatics, my first time to be sucked by one, and my first time to see guys freak out because of them.

The laughter and the foolish banters I shared with these strangers whom I met only 52 hours ago kept me sane in an insane trail.

In the company of these people falling flat on your face and sliding down with your butts makes if more fun.

Yes they will laugh at you but they will pick you up once they're done laughing.

And just when you think you can no longer last the uphill battle they will sing you song of praise.

My Mt. Kalawitan quest cemented my view on climbing: the mountains and its summits will not always be magnificent and the trails will always be tough but when you are climbing with cool people, though their presence will not transform the surroundings into a wonderland nor make the track any easier, they will definitely make the journey more fun, exciting and truly memorable. 

And this blog is my small way of thanking these  nice people for adding good memories to my memory bank.

(the hut that offered refuge to adventurers of Mt. Kalawitan)

(the group with our guides before leaving)

(the century old tree)

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Thanks guys for the photos, took the liberty of grabbing them from your albums =)