Wake Up, You'll Be Alright!

Papa woke me up this morning.

In my dream, i was sleeping in what seemed like a garden where from afar there is a silhouette of a two perfectly shaped mountain.

Between them the sun slowly appeared, very much like the way i drew them in my childhood.

Standing beside me, Papa was lovingly watching me as the sunshine slowly kissed me.

Leisurely, i opened my eyes to find the dorm flooded with sunlight, the room was quiet and my roomate has already left.

For a change i was not crying.

Today, I started my day with a smile in my heart. Thankful for the early morning visit from the one who truly loves me

That dream was an echo of my visit to him yesterday morning at the Hardin where from afar you can see Mt. Balagbag and another mountain.

Yesterday, it was me who was lovingly staring at his picture in his grave as i talk to him in my mind and in my heart.

Today, it was papa's turn speak to my heart. He whispered "you'll be alright".

And for the first time in months i really felt and believed that i will be alright!

Missing you always, Pa.

friendship and love

This is my rational self's bid to convince my rather dejected ego to be grateful in the face of a sad truth: I have fallen in love with a friend who will never love me back!

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

  

My association with you started from being a mere acquaintance linked only and reconnected recently by no less than a social network.

By  some  twist  of  fate  I was given the chance to reunite and eventually become friends with you.

We're  no best pals and I won’t claim to know you that well but lately I have  unconsciously  developed this closeness with you. A closeness that may not mean anything to you but meant the world to me.

I'm your friend and I'm a part of your life now, no matter how diminutive that part may be.

This is why, common sense tells  me, I should be grateful - for even though you may never fall for me, I at least have you for a friend, a priceless gift from God I nearly overlooked amidst my bouts of  blues.

Out  of  a  short  lived despair I almost disregarded the joys my friendship with you has afforded me: 

The heartfelt laughter over the most silly things, the discovery filled small talks about anything & everything shared over a dinner and a cup of coffee and through exchange of text messages and during travels out of town.

Our familiarity of each other has not only qualified me to make fun of you & tease you, it has armed me with a license to care for you in my own little way. 

I can easily tell you that I wish you well and that I pray for you plus I get to know you a little more as days pass by, a privilege I may never have in the absence of friendship.

Months back I was happy and contented to share this budding friendship with you until that morning when you called.

Unexpectedly, I felt butterflies in my stomach and my heart started beating as fast and as loud as my cell phone's ringing tone.

That's when things started to change for me, that's when I started seeing you in a different light. 

Of course I know what that butterflies and that heart beat meant. What I don't know is  why and how?

I could easily blame an invisible arrow as the culprit but I know that what I felt is far real than the cherub that directed that arrow towards me, it's that unforeseen force called love. 

That night we both asked each other the same question over some silly game we played and your answer has kept me wondering all these time. 

For a moment I thought could it be?

I would be lying if I say that I have never once assumed that you might feel something for me too, that I didn't misread your sweetness, politeness & kindness as a  possibility of you liking me.

For a while I allowed myself to drown in the illusion that there is something going on between us. 

That you are closer to me because I am special. That you always tease me, which honestly hurts me most of the times, because you like me. That you communicate matters through me because it's your excuse to be in touch with me. That there are moments when we would secretly look at each other and end up catching each others eyes. That we would go out with friends so we can see each other.

The illusions made my eyes smile, made a happier person out of me and brought out the best in me.

Every one started noticing how inspired I am and how I bloomed.

You are good for me and made not only me but the people around me happy and excited.

But these are just illusions and I have hurt and fooled my self long enough!

I now leave everything in God's loving hands.

From the bottom of my enamored heart I pray for God's best for you.

I pray to our all knowing God to give you someone who will love you, take care of you and support you in all that you do.

Someone to laugh with as you share every meal and drink coffee every day, someone to hold your hands as you share long talks about the past, the present and the future, someone to create a memory with as you travel the world together. 

I may be letting go of my dream of being that someone but I am not letting you go for I wish to be your friend for as long as you will allow me.

Our friendship, no matter how new it is, is more tangible than the love that I long for and I can live with that for even as friends we can still laugh and travel together.

And I have faith that God will find a way for you to someday hold my hands even if only as a friend.

Music and Lyrics

In no particular order, my favorite lines from the songs that is currently playing over and over in my cellphone from sun up to sun down.

A playlists for someone who unknowingly has been making me smile, happy and dreamy, and has been making me hum love songs and has been inspiring me in so many ways.

Someone who's constantly in my mind and in my prayers.

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

You make me smile like the sun, fall out of bed, sing like a bird, dizzy in my head, spin like a record, crazy on a Sunday night.

You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe, shine like gold, buzz like a bee just the thought of you can drive me wild.

YOU MAKE ME SMILE - Uncle Kracker 

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

I am trying not to tell you but I want to

I'm scared of what you'll say

So i'm hiding what I'm feelin'

But I'm tired of holding this inside my head.

I THINK I'M FALLING FOR YOU - Colby Caillat

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

That crooked smile of yours it knocks me off my feet.

Oh I just can't get enough how much do I need to fill me up.

It feels so good it must be love.

YOU GOT ME - Colby Caillat

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

And I'm in love, and I am terrified

TERRIFIED - Katherine McPhee

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

Every time your eyes meet mine I light up like a neon sign.
GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER - Gerard Kenny

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
And I never wanted anything more than to know you.
And I was swept away.
SWEPT AWAY - Christopher Cross

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
Been running from this feeling for so long telling my heart I didn't need it.

Pretending I was better off alone but I know it's just a lie.
I NEED TO BE NEXT TO YOU - Leigh Nash

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
Something in your eyes makes me want to lose myself, makes me wanna lose myself in your arms.

There's something in your voice makes my heart beat fast, hope this feeling last the rest of my life.
FEELS LIKE HOME - Chantal Kreviazuk

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
I think I'm in love again, grinning that silly grin.
I THINK I'M IN LOVE AGAIN - Paul Anka

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
Try to appear like I got it together, I'm falling apart.
Save me, somebody take my hand and lead me.
Slow me down don't let life pass me by just show me how cause i'm ready to fall.
SLOW ME DOWN - Emmy Rossum

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

What started out as friendship has grown stronger, I only wish I have the strength to let it show.

I tell myself that I can't hold out forever, I say there is no reason for my fear cause I feel so secure when we're together...

I CAN'T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE - REO Speedwagon

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

Still I believe i'm missing something real, I need someone who really sees me.

Don't wanna wakeup alone anymore, still believing you'll walk through my door.....

ALL THE LOVE IN THE WORLD - The Corrs

They say that when you're in love you can relate to a song and understand its meaning once you're broken hearted. 

I guess I am both in love and broken hearted at the same time  not only because I can relate and understand all of these songs but because to you I am only a friend.

A Day In The Life of A Dialysis Patient

This is my father and this is his life as a renal patient.

Four hours of his Mondays and Fridays are spent attached to a machine doing a job his remaining kidney could no longer perform.

Through hemodialysis the excess waste products and water is filtered out from his blood, a function his body can no longer do on its own for seven years now.

During the process two needles are inserted in his left arm where his fistula is located. A fistula is a plastic tube implanted in his arm to directly connect an artery and a vein.

 From one needle his blood will pass through the tube to the dialysis machine to remove the waste products and once the wastes are extracted the blood goes back  to his body through the other needle.

It may seem simple from the way I've explained it but in reality it is not.

The repeated process will eventually result to a distinct dark color of the skin  and a disfigured arm due to the veins that swell due to constant use.

Seeing him cringed every time he is pricked with two needles is not something I can get used to.

And what goes on in his body once the needles are in place will always be a miracle and a mystery to me.

What I know is every time he is lying there tied to that machine to help extend his life a sudden shoot up or drastic drop in his blood pressure may cost him his life.

Many times I've heard him and my mother talk about how other patients died during dialysis. 

This may be the reason why he wants to hold my hand, my mother's hand, my brother's hand or anybody who is with him or beside him during the process.

Holding our hands regardless if it's a daughter or a son is something that my father loves doing. It is one of his many sweet gestures that I look forward to when I go home. 

But during his dialysis there is something heart wrenching with the way he grasps my hand.

There are times when he just wants us to squeeze his feet as hard as we can even if he is already asleep, it's like he deliberately wants us to wake him up or maybe he just wants to avoid cramps.

Other times he will just sleep through the entire session.

And while appetite is a major issue when he is home eating during dialysis was never a problem. 

Once he tasted something and liked it, that will be his merienda or lunch for a year or more.

He started with Jollibee's TLC and Aloha, then he shifted to Brother's burger and currently pizza is his favorite merienda.

For his lunch, my brother Junjun has been regularly driving by an eatery in Timog for 4 to 5 years now  just to have a fish fillet with tausi beans or ampalaya con carne cooked for him.

Just recently, Mang Inasal has become a new favorite which he would eat together with either fish fillet or ampalaya con carne.

His moods is no different from his appetite, it changes a great deal and can really be stressful to those around him (this is another story on its own).

His sickness coupled with old age makes him unpredictable most of the times and my mother, my brother and his wife Jen should be applauded for their patience.

They take care of him everyday from sun up to sun down something I can do only during weekends.

The number of hours and the frequency of the dialysis depends per patient and for my father who is suffering from a chronic kidney disease 4 hours twice a week is required.

In the seven years that he has been spending 32 hours a month in the renal center he has become known to all the new and old nurses just like his fellow patients.

And in the once a month that I accompany my father all these years  I've seen how these nurses have become sensitive and attentive to his needs (again another story that needs to be told).

It is always touching when I hear them call my father and the other patients daddy or mommy.

They too deserve an applause for the tender loving care they extend to each and every one of them!

The heart breaking episodes I witness once in a while when I am there, like seeing a patient without any companion,  is nothing compared to what they have to face every day as they care for patients from all walks of life, young and old people alike.

The brief moment I get to devote to my father in that place makes me forget my own pain and disappointments. The complaints I have about my life seems trivial when i am there.

A short visit to the sick can work wonders they say, indeed it is, both to them and to us.

every woman's dream

paper cranes, where stories unfold  is website of wedding videos.

i chance upon this site when an FB friend shared it in his wall. curiosity got the best of me and i watched it.

kevin and cherry's video story was so cute, I was teary eyed watching it and the song used is to fall-in-love for.

Kahlil Gibran on Love

This was forwarded by a friend, this morning. 
I fell in love as soon as I read it.


Kahlil Gibran on Love
When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your
growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that
quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the
earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred
bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of
your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of
love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your
laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am
in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you
worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of
loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of
praise upon your lips.

Terrified by Katharine McPhee

it's true what they say, you understand a song's lyrics when you yourself is experiencing it.....

Di Ako Choosy!!!

Is to have a crush with men of various sizes, shapes and colors an abnormality?

Is it unusual not to have a common feature or trait among the men you find attractive?

A close friend’s observation of my diverse list of crushes (interpretation: most of them are not good looking) got me to thinking, is something wrong with my emotional make-up, at least in reference to men?

While most of my friends look for a particular feature in men like being chinito, mestizo, long hair, bald, tall, handsome, I don’t!!!

I am not very particular with physical attributes, not that I have the right to be “choosy”, I just don’t have physical preference.

He can be abnormally tall, unfortunately short, extraordinarily thin, excessively fat or simply chubby and still end up as the apple of my 125-150 vision-eyes.

He may have large eyes, his ears and his two front teeth may give Bugs a run for his money, his hair can be curly, straight or loosing, his color may be fair, dark, darker and darkest and still be truly attractive for me.

While I am sure that falling in-crush with an assortment of guys doesn't make me a flirt, in the deep recesses of my chaotic mind I do wonder if somehow my confusion when it comes to what I really like in a guy can be classified as some sort of anomaly in the world of psychology?

To better understand the diversity of my choices I have actually considered drawing a chart with the photos of the men that I used to like and currently like with their traits as caption, the very reason they ended up in my list – unfortunately for them.

As much as I would like to share this illustration, drawing it would be too much of an effort and would need time which I sadly don’t have enough of plus i don't have a picture of all of them, needless to say let’s just keep this chart imaginary and protect the poor guys from exposure and myself from further shame.

Anyway, just by running the long list of my crushes in my mind I believe I have somehow answered my question.

Besides, I prefer that some of them remain a secret.

Allow me instead to enumerate the silly and sane reasons why this Venusfalls in crush and eventually falls in love with Mars.

The smart looking guy in the terminal who seem to have all the colors of the short sleeves barong whom I keep seeing every morning, the ragged looking chap in his tattered jeans and sneakers who’s always in the same bus as I am every night or the four-eyed geek in the elevator - seeing all these characters regularly is reason enough for poor me to fall in-crush with them regardless if they're good looking or not, especially when you know that
they also recognize you.

An acquaintance who acknowledges your existence by saying hi, nodding or waving can another pogi point for me.

Or it could be a random stranger who accidentally smiled at me or simply asked for a direction and remembered to say thanks, a gentleman who offers his seat to a generic looking girl like me, a caller with a kind or sexy or handsome voice – as shallow as these may all seem, these can actually trigger whatever it is in my brain to decide that.....hey, i like you!

Di ako choosy and I fall-in-crush so easily!

After a thousand crushes and still counting, I now know why!

Because I tend to see and appreciate what others don't notice like a smile, a thank you, a look of recognition, an act of chivalry and a sense of confidence with the way they carry themselves, these to me are too much to be ignored.

I am more attracted to what a guy exudes from within rather that what he have physically.

It's not that I don't have good looking crushes, I do, but then their looks says it all, no need to justify why birds suddenly appear every time they are near.........