Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts

Friday, March 1, 2013

A Day In The Life of A Dialysis Patient


This is my father and this is his life as a renal patient.

Four hours of his Mondays and Fridays are spent attached to a machine doing a job his remaining kidney could no longer perform.

Through hemodialysis the excess waste products and water is filtered out from his blood, a function his body can no longer do on its own for seven years now.

During the process two needles are inserted in his left arm where his fistula is located. A fistula is a plastic tube implanted in his arm to directly connect an artery and a vein.

 From one needle his blood will pass through the tube to the dialysis machine to remove the waste products and once the wastes are extracted the blood goes back  to his body through the other needle.

It may seem simple from the way I've explained it but in reality it is not.

The repeated process will eventually result to a distinct dark color of the skin  and a disfigured arm due to the veins that swell due to constant use.

Seeing him cringed every time he is pricked with two needles is not something I can get used to.

And what goes on in his body once the needles are in place will always be a miracle and a mystery to me.

What I know is every time he is lying there tied to that machine to help extend his life a sudden shoot up or drastic drop in his blood pressure may cost him his life.

Many times I've heard him and my mother talk about how other patients died during dialysis. 

This may be the reason why he wants to hold my hand, my mother's hand, my brother's hand or anybody who is with him or beside him during the process.

Holding our hands regardless if it's a daughter or a son is something that my father loves doing. It is one of his many sweet gestures that I look forward to when I go home. 

But during his dialysis there is something heart wrenching with the way he grasps my hand.

There are times when he just wants us to squeeze his feet as hard as we can even if he is already asleep, it's like he deliberately wants us to wake him up or maybe he just wants to avoid cramps.

Other times he will just sleep through the entire session.

And while appetite is a major issue when he is home eating during dialysis was never a problem. 

Once he tasted something and liked it, that will be his merienda or lunch for a year or more.

He started with Jollibee's TLC and Aloha, then he shifted to Brother's burger and currently pizza is his favorite merienda.

For his lunch, my brother Junjun has been regularly driving by an eatery in Timog for 4 to 5 years now  just to have a fish fillet with tausi beans or ampalaya con carne cooked for him.

Just recently, Mang Inasal has become a new favorite which he would eat together with either fish fillet or ampalaya con carne.

His moods is no different from his appetite, it changes a great deal and can really be stressful to those around him (this is another story on its own).

His sickness coupled with old age makes him unpredictable most of the times and my mother, my brother and his wife Jen should be applauded for their patience.

They take care of him everyday from sun up to sun down something I can do only during weekends.

The number of hours and the frequency of the dialysis depends per patient and for my father who is suffering from a chronic kidney disease 4 hours twice a week is required.

In the seven years that he has been spending 32 hours a month in the renal center he has become known to all the new and old nurses just like his fellow patients.

And in the once a month that I accompany my father all these years  I've seen how these nurses have become sensitive and attentive to his needs (again another story that needs to be told).

It is always touching when I hear them call my father and the other patients daddy or mommy.

They too deserve an applause for the tender loving care they extend to each and every one of them!

The heart breaking episodes I witness once in a while when I am there, like seeing a patient without any companion,  is nothing compared to what they have to face every day as they care for patients from all walks of life, young and old people alike.

The brief moment I get to devote to my father in that place makes me forget my own pain and disappointments. The complaints I have about my life seems trivial when i am there.

A short visit to the sick can work wonders they say, indeed it is, both to them and to us.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Unsent Letter to Papa

Time and again you've told me that the inevitable will come. That one day you will have no choice but to leave us.

For as long as I can I will deny myself of this truth and as hard as it is for you I wont allow you to ever think that this is something I can accept wholeheartedly.

I know you just want me to be prepared but as inevitable as death is, so is the pain to lose a father.

Lately, when I come home to you during weekends, you hold my hands more and more and I feel your love more and more but unlike before when I feel a childlike joy every time we share a short but sweet moment holding each other's hands  I now feel an unexplainable sorrow and so you make me cry more without you ever knowing.

More than the love you wish to convey with the way you hold my hands I feel your grief as you say goodbye to me.  A goodbye you have no courage to utter and a goodbye I dreaded hearing.

In the brief moment when I kiss you to pay respect as I arrive home you may see me all smiles and glad of seeing you and ,oh yes, I am indeed very, very glad - but inside my heart weeps as I see how much you've grown older and weaker from the last Sunday that I was with you. 

That's when I will realize how much I terribly missed you the whole week that I was away.

There are times when I would find you all by yourself looking at a distance. Your mind wandering, you wouldn't even notice that I am already beside you. 

Moments like these breaks my heart and as much as I want to sit with you I would always excuse myself while I can still stop my tears from falling.

I have always been showy of my love for you. 

I would hug and kiss you every time I feel like it but lately I had to stop myself from kissing and embracing you on an impulse while we watch TV together for I am terrified that you'd see through me. 

I am afraid that you will feel my ever growing fear of losing you.

Oftentimes, I wonder if I am more fortunate compared to my other friends who've lost their fathers unexpectedly or is it more painful seeing you fight for your life?

An office friend who'd lost her dad years ago from a long battle with cancer once shared how she and her father openly  discuss his impending death. 

Somehow I envy her courage for despite her love for her dad she was not afraid to let go.

For my own good and our family's, I know I will have to learn to slowly accept the inescapable truth but while you're within my grasp I will hold your hands as if I was still a little a girl who completely depends on her father's strength and  utterly believes that no matter what, Papa will not let go of my hands.



From my funnygirl blog account from an old social network.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

SCAR

Scar \skar\ n : a mark left after injured tissue has healed.

This is how Webster defined a scar while the Free Online Dictionary defined it as a lingering sign of damage or injury.

For me, a scar is what defined me. 

Atleast one particular scar defined who I am to myself, my family and the people close to me.

While others branded me a bitch this scar christened me as an angel in my Papa's eyes. 

And that alone matters.

Whenever i would hear people say bad things about me I try to find peace as my fingers traces this 8-inch scar below my right rib cage and then I am reminded that there is more to me than what these people see.

They are simply not worthy enough to see, feel and experience the good in me.

When someone i love, care for and close to me hurt me I find comfort as I feel my scar and tell myself that no matter how much pain this person may have caused me I know that there will come a time when i will do whatever I can for the love of that person and then my pain starts to heal.

My scar has thought me valuable lessons I would never have learned in any other way.
    
I came to know my worth because of this episode in my family's life that has in a way blessed me with this scar.
   
I began to really fathom that special bond a daughter shares with her father.


Most of all I had a better understanding of what a family truly is.
    
I may no longer be considered whole in terms of  body parts but in terms of the joy it brought me I have never felt this complete.
    
While the operation that resulted to this scar did not fully served it's purpose it has presented me and my family with new ones -  to unite and renew our faith in God, in each other and in ourselves.
   
A scar may be considered a damage by others, I on the other hand consider it as a catalyst to myself restoration. A reminder who I AM.
  
So when people make me question myself and my worth I have this treasure to hold on to and nobody can take that away from me.


***************
June 13, 2012 marks the 6th year anniversary of my father's
kidney transplant which failed 12 days after 
due to the blood clot in one of the veins where
the right kidney I donated was appended.

Despite that and because of our faith  in God 
we still have our dear Papa in our life 
providing us with whatever he can 
in his own fatherly way.


Wednesday, May 23, 2012

cRaZY 4 yOU

 the current apple of my eyes.............

                an addition to  my collection of lil' devils..........
(the future temple run master)

           the reason that makes me go home every weekends......
(with the doting LOLO)

 the alarm clock that wakes me up Sunday mornings........   





       









  
                                                                                 my joy, my stress reliever, my angel........                 

meet my pamangkin, Jenzhel Raine,  the seventh in my growing number of pamangkins, one of Tita Nene's HAPPYNESS!





Tuesday, February 24, 2009

a song for papa

Over and over I’d listen to Richard Poon as he croons his rendition of I’ll Take Care of You.

As the song is about love I have suddenly turned into a starry eyed, hopeless romantic imagining myself in a scene fit only for star cinema’s hottest love teams today.

There I was with Piolo Pascual shedding tears as he pledges his commitment to love me.

Sigh, sigh, sigh!

Like a drama series from the country’s number one network the story slowly unfolds in my mind.

Day after day the plot would change and when, finally, I have made up my mind that I am ready for a kissing scene with my leading man, I - unexpectedly, pictured the song in a different light.

I no longer see myself in a dream sequence with Piolo Pascual. 

Instead, I saw myself brushing my father’s hair of white 
with my bear hands, as I usually do.

I realized how appropriate the song is for us father and daughter tandem.

I want you to know that I love you so
I’m proud to tell the world you’re mine
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it once more
You’ll be in my heart ’till the end of time

I’ll take care of you
Don’t be sad, don’t be blue
Just count on me your whole life through
And I’ll take care of you


The song, partly, sums up my great love for my dear father.

I want to take care of him in this stage of his life when he is not only gray and old but ailing.

Once, I have made a major decission to take care of him and with that decission was the hope that he will again live a normal life.

But that hope vanished when the kidney i have donated him failed to function after twelve days.

That experience has not only left me with an 8-inch scar below my right rib cage but a scar that will forever be my reminder of how i truly loved and adored my father.

That’s when my passion for taking care of my Papa begun.

I know that there are other ways I can take care of him but if only I can still donate my left kidney, i will.