Love, 'Lil Sis

As part of a birthday surprise prepared by my friend Marie for my 38th birthday she had secretly requested for messages from my family  which she graciously printed on a green sheet of paper turning them into precious love letters.

Of all the letters that was  handed to me the message that touched my heart the most was the one from my sister, Julie.

Reading through her message gave me a glimpse of the multiple roles I unconsciously play in my family. 

Her letter was a validation of how rewarding it is to be a daughter, a sister and an aunt - a duty I get to carry out with fervor at least once a week when I am home.

I won't say much as my 'Lil sis has already expressed it all with much love.

My family is my strength and my weakness.

Aishwarya Rai Bachachan  

  

Both within the family and without, our sisters hold up our mirrors: our images of who we are and of who we can dare to be

Elizabeth Fishel

friendship and love

This is my rational self's bid to convince my rather dejected ego to be grateful in the face of a sad truth: I have fallen in love with a friend who will never love me back!

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

  

My association with you started from being a mere acquaintance linked only and reconnected recently by no less than a social network.

By  some  twist  of  fate  I was given the chance to reunite and eventually become friends with you.

We're  no best pals and I won’t claim to know you that well but lately I have  unconsciously  developed this closeness with you. A closeness that may not mean anything to you but meant the world to me.

I'm your friend and I'm a part of your life now, no matter how diminutive that part may be.

This is why, common sense tells  me, I should be grateful - for even though you may never fall for me, I at least have you for a friend, a priceless gift from God I nearly overlooked amidst my bouts of  blues.

Out  of  a  short  lived despair I almost disregarded the joys my friendship with you has afforded me: 

The heartfelt laughter over the most silly things, the discovery filled small talks about anything & everything shared over a dinner and a cup of coffee and through exchange of text messages and during travels out of town.

Our familiarity of each other has not only qualified me to make fun of you & tease you, it has armed me with a license to care for you in my own little way. 

I can easily tell you that I wish you well and that I pray for you plus I get to know you a little more as days pass by, a privilege I may never have in the absence of friendship.

Months back I was happy and contented to share this budding friendship with you until that morning when you called.

Unexpectedly, I felt butterflies in my stomach and my heart started beating as fast and as loud as my cell phone's ringing tone.

That's when things started to change for me, that's when I started seeing you in a different light. 

Of course I know what that butterflies and that heart beat meant. What I don't know is  why and how?

I could easily blame an invisible arrow as the culprit but I know that what I felt is far real than the cherub that directed that arrow towards me, it's that unforeseen force called love. 

That night we both asked each other the same question over some silly game we played and your answer has kept me wondering all these time. 

For a moment I thought could it be?

I would be lying if I say that I have never once assumed that you might feel something for me too, that I didn't misread your sweetness, politeness & kindness as a  possibility of you liking me.

For a while I allowed myself to drown in the illusion that there is something going on between us. 

That you are closer to me because I am special. That you always tease me, which honestly hurts me most of the times, because you like me. That you communicate matters through me because it's your excuse to be in touch with me. That there are moments when we would secretly look at each other and end up catching each others eyes. That we would go out with friends so we can see each other.

The illusions made my eyes smile, made a happier person out of me and brought out the best in me.

Every one started noticing how inspired I am and how I bloomed.

You are good for me and made not only me but the people around me happy and excited.

But these are just illusions and I have hurt and fooled my self long enough!

I now leave everything in God's loving hands.

From the bottom of my enamored heart I pray for God's best for you.

I pray to our all knowing God to give you someone who will love you, take care of you and support you in all that you do.

Someone to laugh with as you share every meal and drink coffee every day, someone to hold your hands as you share long talks about the past, the present and the future, someone to create a memory with as you travel the world together. 

I may be letting go of my dream of being that someone but I am not letting you go for I wish to be your friend for as long as you will allow me.

Our friendship, no matter how new it is, is more tangible than the love that I long for and I can live with that for even as friends we can still laugh and travel together.

And I have faith that God will find a way for you to someday hold my hands even if only as a friend.

Music and Lyrics

In no particular order, my favorite lines from the songs that is currently playing over and over in my cellphone from sun up to sun down.

A playlists for someone who unknowingly has been making me smile, happy and dreamy, and has been making me hum love songs and has been inspiring me in so many ways.

Someone who's constantly in my mind and in my prayers.

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

You make me smile like the sun, fall out of bed, sing like a bird, dizzy in my head, spin like a record, crazy on a Sunday night.

You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe, shine like gold, buzz like a bee just the thought of you can drive me wild.

YOU MAKE ME SMILE - Uncle Kracker 

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

I am trying not to tell you but I want to

I'm scared of what you'll say

So i'm hiding what I'm feelin'

But I'm tired of holding this inside my head.

I THINK I'M FALLING FOR YOU - Colby Caillat

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

That crooked smile of yours it knocks me off my feet.

Oh I just can't get enough how much do I need to fill me up.

It feels so good it must be love.

YOU GOT ME - Colby Caillat

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

And I'm in love, and I am terrified

TERRIFIED - Katherine McPhee

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

Every time your eyes meet mine I light up like a neon sign.
GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER - Gerard Kenny

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
And I never wanted anything more than to know you.
And I was swept away.
SWEPT AWAY - Christopher Cross

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
Been running from this feeling for so long telling my heart I didn't need it.

Pretending I was better off alone but I know it's just a lie.
I NEED TO BE NEXT TO YOU - Leigh Nash

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
Something in your eyes makes me want to lose myself, makes me wanna lose myself in your arms.

There's something in your voice makes my heart beat fast, hope this feeling last the rest of my life.
FEELS LIKE HOME - Chantal Kreviazuk

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
I think I'm in love again, grinning that silly grin.
I THINK I'M IN LOVE AGAIN - Paul Anka

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫
Try to appear like I got it together, I'm falling apart.
Save me, somebody take my hand and lead me.
Slow me down don't let life pass me by just show me how cause i'm ready to fall.
SLOW ME DOWN - Emmy Rossum

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

What started out as friendship has grown stronger, I only wish I have the strength to let it show.

I tell myself that I can't hold out forever, I say there is no reason for my fear cause I feel so secure when we're together...

I CAN'T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE - REO Speedwagon

♫ ♪ ♫ ♪ ♫

Still I believe i'm missing something real, I need someone who really sees me.

Don't wanna wakeup alone anymore, still believing you'll walk through my door.....

ALL THE LOVE IN THE WORLD - The Corrs

They say that when you're in love you can relate to a song and understand its meaning once you're broken hearted. 

I guess I am both in love and broken hearted at the same time  not only because I can relate and understand all of these songs but because to you I am only a friend.

Officially Missing You

Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will.  

~Author Unknown

Missing you gives me this courage to do things i am bound to regret even with the possibility of having a couple of my "what ifs" answered.

But the fear of looking like a fool in your eyes is far greater than the temporary courage i have suddenly mustered so i'd rather bear the misery of missing you.

I Have Two Moms!

I have two moms - my biological and my step mother and this fact makes it hard for me to celebrate mother's day without feeling guilty.

To my Nanay, happy mother's day, though I chose not to speak with you all these years God knows I want to, I'm just not ready yet. I just hope that it will not be too late for me!

To my Mama, I sincerely love you and I am afraid to loose you as much as Papa. I'll take care of you the way I am taking care of papa and the way you took care of me and my siblings.

You're both in my prayers always!

Promise Yourself by Christian D. Larson

 To be so strong that nothing
  can disturb your peace of mind.
  To talk health, happiness, and prosperity
  to every person you meet.
                                                                                                                          
  To make all your friends feel
  that there is something in them.
  To look at the sunny side of everything
  and make your optimism come true.
                                                                                                                          
  To think only the best, to work only for the best,
  and to expect only the best.               
  To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others
  as you are about your own.
                                                                                                                          
  To forget the mistakes of the past
  and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
  To wear a cheerful countenance at all times
  and give every living creature you meet a smile.
                                                                                                                          
  To give so much time to the improvement of yourself
  that you have no time to criticize others.
  To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,
  and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
                                                                                                                          
  To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,
  not in loud words but great deeds.
  To live in faith that the whole world is on your side
  so long as you are true to the best that is in you.” 

  ― Christian D. Larson, Your Forces and How to Use Them  

my prayer

Lord, you know how much I love climbing.
You know that the mountain is my happy place.

It's that one place when I don't have to think about
my job or my family.

Please bless my next climb.
I just want to have fun.
Make it a pleasant one.

Once there help me see only the beauty
of the world around me.

Make me hear only the sound of nature and the
hearty laughter of good people that I climb with.

Amen!